Posted by
Bull 67 on Monday, July 07, 2008 12:22:49 AM
The following is purely fiction. (duh!)
Travel back to that bizarre alternate universe where anything can happen. In this parallel dimension we find CBS anchor person Katie Couric conducting a 50 Minutes television interview with General Curtis LeMay. LeMay, along with several notable historic Americans, has just returned from outer space after being aboard an alien spacecraft for over 50 years. This is LeMay’s first interview since returning from outer space.
(The picture brightens showing a stop watch with the familiar ‘tick tick tick’ sound.)
ANNOUCER: Tonight on 50 Minutes. Unbeknownst to an unsuspecting country, half a century ago he and American’s most powerful public figures left earth on an alien spacecraft. Tonight, on a 50 Minutes exclusive, Air Force General Curtis LeMay speaks for the first time after returning to earth.
(Katie sits in a high director’s chair, facing an expressionless LeMay in full uniform, four silver stars gleam on his shoulder. He looks like he did in the early 1960s, also sitting in a director’s chair with a lit stogie clenched in his teeth.)
COURIC: General LeMay, America was astonished when you and half a dozen great Americans emerged from (cough) from the (cough)…General? Could you please extinguish that cigar? It’s against New York City law and CBS policy to smoke in a place of business.
(LeMay stares at her expressionless, saying nothing. He rolls the fat cigar around to the other side of his mouth. )
COURIC: Uh…okay. I think we can make an exception since you’ve been gone a long time.
LEMAY: A week.
COURIC: Excuse me?
LEMAY: I’ve been gone a week. Travel at near the speed of light has some interesting side effects. Einstein was right. Smart guy. He gave me this Cuban cigar, a damn fine one at that. He gave the aliens a box of Cubans, too.
COURIC: The aliens smoke?
LEMAY: Not all the time, only when they’re drinking.
COURIC: Why did the aliens take you and the others?
LEMAY: We were a diplomatic and trade delegation.
COURIC: So what was your role? You were, are…a…a military officer. What would an advanced race of space faring aliens want with you?
LEMAY: (pauses and looks at her expressionlessly) Well, missy, they’re like anyone else. They have enemies, very bad enemies. They were amazed how fast we adopted aerospace power for defense. They thought some of our tactics were fairly advanced. I was a military liaison helping them apply airpower doctrine to their space/time faring technology. Funny thing, they didn’t take any reporters.
COURIC: (blinks and continues) Can you tell us about their technology, other than what we already know?
LEMAY: No, other than the fact we were supposed to bring a lot of it home before the deal fell through. We were supposed to stay for two weeks.
COURIC: Why did the deal fall through? Does this have anything to do with how fast the spacecraft departed after it landed and deposited you and the others on the Mall in Washington DC?
LEMAY: About four days after we left my host officer came and got us during a poker game we were having with some of the aliens. He said something bad was happening back on earth and they were turning the ship around. He showed us television broadcasts from earth and I couldn’t believe my eyes. I thought we could still salvage the mission, but once our hosts showed us a broadcast of “Different Strokes” I knew it was over. They called off the deal and said, “Don’t call us, we’ll call you.” They dropped us off and wished us good luck trying to straighten this mess out.
(Couric is silent, jaw agape.)
LEMAY: Great bunch of guys. Short, smart, and can handle their booze. They make great pilots. They only kept two of the documents we brought them, though. I’ll think they’ll come back once they run out of scotch and Cubans.
COURIC: What were the documents they kept?
LEMAY: The Bible and the Constitution.
(Couric is stunned, a look of shocked disbelief on her face.)
LEMAY: You look a little pale, there, young lady. Are you okay?
COURIC: Uhmm, yes, uh….are these the same aliens which crashed in Roswell and have been abducting humans for years?
LEMAY: Yea, they had a forced landing at Roswell. Engine trouble, but any landing you can walk away from is a good one...they laughed when I told them that one! They were our guest for a few years and helped us set up the trade delegation. ‘Abduction’ is a strong term, they just wanted to meet the common folk. We told them what good people we had in our heartland and they wanted to find out for themselves.
COURIC: Abductees have told stories of horrible experiments, even anal probes! How is this ‘meeting the common folk’?!
LEMAY: Calm down, missy. The aliens are aviators. Each spacecraft has its own flight surgeon. They’ve got silly regulations just like we do. Everyone who boards and flies on one of their craft must undergo an annual flight physical. Those physicals entail a prostate examine and those buggers have fingers as big as their eyes! The bad part is the annual examine is based on earth time, not spacecraft time. That came out to seven prostrate exams a day for us. Ever few hours they’d walk in and say, ‘General LeMay, time for your annual flight physical.’ Damn if I could talk them out of it. ‘Regulations are regulations, General LeMay, you of all people should understand that,’ they’d say. (He squirms in his seat and looks uncomfortable) You’re fortunate I was able to sit down for this interview.
COURIC: Thank you for that information, general, but it was more than I needed to know. You ran for the vice presidency with George Wallace in 1968 and died in 1990. How can this be if you were with aliens that whole time?
LEMAY: That was a robot the aliens left to take my place. Unfortunately, it had a bad reaction to boiled peanuts and turned evil. I take no responsibility for any of its actions.
COURIC: How do we know you’re not an evil robot?
LEMAY: You don’t. Next question.
(Couric’s eyes are wide, silence.)
LEMAY: Missy, I’m a busy man. Are you going to sit there and stare at me all day or are you going to ask me questions?
COURIC: You’ve been reinstated as the new Chief of Staff for the Air Force, the same post you held in 1961. Why did they ask you to come back?
LEMAY: Because my Air Force is broken and I’m going to fix it.
COURIC: How is it broken?
LEMAY: What’s broken!? Did anyone notice you are flying a lot of the same damn aircraft we were flying back in 1961?
COURIC: Is that a problem?
LEMAY: Missy, would you feel comfortable flying coast to coast in a 1950’s era 707?
COURIC: I don’t know, but aren’t you comparing apples and oranges?
LEMAY: Any old apple will get you from New York to L.A. Any old orange won’t deliver airpower from continent to continent (takes out his cigar and shakes it for effect). We left you kids a world class air force and the world’s best aerospace industry. Back then we had several dozen companies making a slew of advanced fighters and bombers. Now we’re down to basically Boeing and Lockheed. Europe is kicking our as* and selling us our helicopters, tankers and airliners. What the HELL have you all been doing for the last half century? We were about to land of the moon and now I learn we haven’t been back since 1972 and the damn Communist Chinese might beat us back. You know, Boeing gave us the KC-135 and B-52, combat ready, about 5 years after we signed the contracts. Christ Almighty, you…you...you peoplecan’t even choose a tanker in under a decade. Well, let me tell you, as my first decision I’m going to pick one tomorrow.
COURIC: Do you have that authority?
LEMAY: Yes. Next question.
COURIC: Will you tell me what your decision will be?
LEMAY: No. Next question.
COURIC: (looking flustered) What other problems are you going to tackle?
LEMAY: I’m going to scrap this “Expeditionary Air Force” crap.
COURIC: Can you elaborate on that statement?
LEMAY: Sure, missy. Living in tents and flying tactical aircraft across borders and back was against everything we were trying to build back in the 1950s and 60s. We envisioned a strategic air force which launched from CONUS, could fly to any point of the globe, strike at will, and return. An overseas foot print on the ground is a liability. We didn’t have the technology to fully realize that vision back then. Today, you have that technology, but instead you’re playing in the sand with the Army.
COURIC: I’m not schooled in military matters. But my sources tell me our ground forces want the Air Force to concentrate more on ground support roles.
LEMAY: The Army wants the finger and eye of God Himself, nothing less. They want us to magically smite their enemies from the heavens at the click of a radio. I can give them that, but they don’t tell me how to do it. I’ve got a bigger picture and they are only one part of it. That’s not what you call ‘politically correct’ these days. Speaking of politically correct, folks today don’t admit when they screw up. I screwed up when I played a part in our biggest mistake back in 1947. Then, we let the other services keep their aircraft. Dumb. If it involves powered flight, it should belong to the Air Force. Period.
COURIC: Isn’t that a politically risky stance?
LEMAY: Yes, but they worst they can do is fire me. Hell, I got four stars on my shoulder. I think I can stand a few bumps and bruises.
COURIC: You’re very outspoken, General LeMay, but some say you’re a bit of a anachronism, a dinosaur, a relic of a bygone era.
LEMAY: Who said that?
COURIC: I can’t divulge my sources.
LEMAY: I see reporters are still spineless weasels. What you’re saying is you think I’m a dinosaur. Dinosaurs were giants who strode the world like they owned it for millions of years. They apologized for nothing and ate those who pissed them off. It took God himself to wipe them out. I guess I’m a dinosaur, missy, so don’t pi** me off.
COURIC: Please, don’t call me ‘missy’.
LEMAY: Sure, sweetie (He blows a puff of smoke, his face expressionless but his eyes are twinkling.)
(Couric’s eyes narrow as she tries to keep her cool. In slow, measured tones she continues.)
COURIC: What is your opinion of women in combat?
LEMAY: Dumb.
(Couric smiles, and eagerly continues in a ‘gotch’ya’ manner.)
COURIC: Isn’t that a slap at all the brave women serving in combat today?
LEMAY: No, it’s just a statement of fact. You people have been living off the security my generation bought for you. You’ve been insulated in a nearly consequence-free existence. You think, therefore, you can place women in combat and not reap the consequences. No women have had their heads chopped of on Al Jazzera, no women have been dragged through streets of Baghdad. Yes, some women have died bravely in the line of duty but it hasn’t been en masse. When that happens, and it will, the second worst thing which could happen is America seeing the folly of its ‘women in combat’ policy.
COURIC: What’s the worst thing which could happen?
LEMAY: America doesn’t see the folly of this policy. You people are so confused you don’t even know the natural differences between the sexes.
(Couric is obviously perturbed.)
COURIC: Can we assume, then, you will pull women from combat roles in the air force?
LEMAY: Absolutely not.
COURIC: I’m confused. You just inferred you’re against women in combat but you would leave women in combat roles?
LEMAY: Yes, you are confused. America doesn’t produce enough real men to fill our cockpits. What the hell is that ‘metrosexuals’ thing all about, anyway? Until our youth rediscover what adulthood is all about these brave ladies are all we have. I’m proud to have them flying our aircraft. I pray for them, because I know they’ll pay the price for a nation detached from reality.
(Couric looks down and shuffles her papers, not quiet sure how to take what she just heard.)
COURIC: I see. There has been much progress in civil rights since you left. African-Americans now serve in every capacity alongside whites not only in the Air Force, but in society as a whole. What are your thoughts on this?
LEMAY: Good, it’s about time.
COURIC: Didn’t you support racist policies, like those of George Wallace?
LEMAY: No. Evil robot on boiled peanuts. Remember?
(Couric shakes her head and looks off camera at her producer as if you say “You’ve got to be kidding me.”)
COURIC: Uh…um...okay (shuffles her notes again and tries to regain her composure) What are some other changes you’ll be making as the new Air Force chief of staff?
LEMAY: I’m reinstating Strategic Air Command and ordering our missiles and bombers back on alert.
COURIC: Isn’t that an unnecessarily provocative move?! We’ve been at peace with Russia for years.
LEMAY: Who said anything about Russia? I’m placing bombers on airborne alert at fail safe points just outside Iranian airspace. If they want to play in the big leagues, so be it.
COURIC: Who granted you that authority?
LEMAY: The president, that’s who. The Supreme Court agreed he didn’t serve out his term, so bingo, he’s back in.
COURIC: Yes…I see. Since John F. Kennedy was reinstated as president we’ve seen many…uh…unexpected changes. How do you think Iran will react to this move?
LEMAY: I don’t care how they react. You people should have obliterated them back in 1979 when they occupied our embassy, a flagrant act of war. That was the second biggest mistake you people made since we left.
COURIC: (sighs) I’m afraid to ask, but I have too. What was our biggest mistake, general?
LEMAY: It was either exporting your industrial base to China or importing “Survivor” from England. I haven’t made up my mind which is worse. I think the Brits are great, but never import their food, dental work, or television.
COURIC: Sir, is there anything America or the air force has done since you left of which you approve? Have we done anything right in the last half century?
LEMAY: I like what you’ve done with unmanned aircraft. The Global Hawk is a fantastic weapon system. Stealth, precision engagement…great capabilities, too. On the civilian side, you’ve done great things with medicine. Don’t, however, expect me to sit here and pat you kids on head. You’ve screwed up and royally. We were practically energy independent when I left. Now you buy your oil from the very people who want us dead and refuse to look for oil yourselves. Damn fools, the lot of you.
COURIC: (Looks sternly at him) Many Americans would disagree with you. Aren’t you overstepping the political boundaries of a military officer?
LEMAY: (Takes his cigar out, leans forward and speaks in slow measured tones) Of course many Americans disagree with me, but thanks to you people wrecking our education system many of those same idiots can’t find their state on a map. I won’t suffer fools and I refuse keep my mouth shut. I’m going to help the president put a stake through the heart of this “political correctness” crap, which is just another name for good old fashioned communism. And you idiots bought it. (Leans back and puts the cigar back in his mouth) And yes, I am overstepping the bounds of what a military officer should say politically. Therefore, I’ll leave those issues to the president.
COURIC: (Snaps a wicked glare off the set at her producer and angrily reshuffles her papers) I see. What exactly is your relationship with the new President?
LEMAY: (Waives affably and smiles around his cigar) Great man, we really got to know each other on the trip. We’ve had our differences in the past, but when we saw how screwed up America has become we settled those and agreed on how to fix them. I think him and the first lady are great people.
COURIC: (Obviously glad to change subjects, her mood lightens) Many were shocked to see Marilyn Monroe emerge from the alien spacecraft at JFK’s side. We all assumed she died back in 1962. We were even more surprised when the President announced they were getting married.
LEMAY: No, Marilyn really did die back then. The first lady is an alien robot. The aliens are a creative bunch, God bless ‘em.
COURIC: (Pauses, jaw open) The First Lady of the United States is an alien robot?
LEMAY: An evil alien robot, to boot! Heh heh! (The general rolls his cigar in his fingers and looks off into the distance as if he’s somewhere else and mumbles….) She’s an evil, naughty alien robot…very naughty…
COURIC: (Looks disgusted) General? General LeeeMaaayyy!
LEMAY: (The general snaps back to the present, smiles, and puts the cigar back in his mouth) Unfortunately, the delegation members outlived most of our friends and relations back here on earth, including our spouses. It’s not good for a man to be alone and the aliens knew this. They asked the president, our leader, who he wanted the companion-bot modeled on. He came up with Ms. Monroe. Einstein thought it was a hoot, he couldn't stop laughing for a day!
COURIC: That’s disgusting!
LEMAY: (Looks Katie up and down) You know, toots, I’m back in circulation. How about you and me grab some chow and I’ll tell you what it was like to firebomb Tokyo.
(Katie stares in disbelief. Image fades and is replaced with stopwatch ‘tick tick tick’ sound.)
ANNOUCER: Next on 50 Minutes, Morely Safer interviews President John F. Kennedy and the new first lady.
SAFER: (Thoughtfully strokes his chin) Mrs. Kennedy, is it true you are an evil alien robot?
MONROE (MRS. KENNEDY): (Pouting and looking very hot) “I’m not bad, I’m just built that way.”
SAFER: Mr. President, doesn’t it disturb you your wife, the First Lady of our nation, is an alien robot?
KENNEDY: (Looking as young and vibrant as he did during Nixon/Kennedy debates, he has an enormous grin on his face. He holds a small paper bag out to Marilyn.) Why don’t you have another boiled peanut, darling?