With those words Oscar Goldman, director for the Office for Scientific Investigation, a controversial US Air Force research and development organization, announced the beginning of the ‘Bionic Initiative.’ The Bionic Initiative is the latest Air Force weapons project. Its goal is to replace human limbs and organs with artificial prostheses, creating a cyborg with superhuman powers.
When asked when the surgery will take place Mr. Goldman, the Bionic Initiative program manager, said they will operate immediately when the Pentagon gives the green light. Depending on how fast Austin recovers, his new limbs may be ready for field testing by late summer.
WASHINGTON DC - Colonel Steve Austin still waits for the ground breaking surgery to give him the powerful mechanical limbs and prosthetic sensory devices he so desperately needs. The Air Force announced last week the Bionic Initiative delayed indefinitely due to potential violations of Pentagon acquisition regulations, and possibly federal law.
In a press release from the Office of Scientific Investigation program manager Oscar Goldman stated, “This office did not knowingly violate federal rules. Due to the urgent nature of Colonel Austin’s medical condition we decided to press forward with a sole source contract.”
The Wall Street Journal learned yesterday Lockheed-Martin is the prime contractor for the futuristic synthetic appendages. However, a rival defense contractor filed suit in federal court challenging the contract. Boeing states Lockheed used unfair business practices, namely grossly underbidding the contract at a mere six million dollars. When asked about the allegations Mr. Goldman refused comment.
As for Air Force Colonel Austin, his doctors state he is resting comfortably and is looking forward to the surgery.
PENTAGON– The Secretary of the Air Force announced today the Bionic Initiative will be re-opened to competitive bidding. This move has done little to quell the controversy over the so called ‘Bionic Man.’ After Boeing challenged the single-source contract award to Lockheed-Martin a federal court indefinitely delayed the surgery to attach the advanced prosthetic devices to Col. Steven Austin, the man selected to become The Bionic Man.
Bethesda doctors state Col. Austin has been fitted with two peg-legs, a glass-eye, a hearing aid from Wal-Mart, and a broom-handle arm (the most authorized under Tricare) until the Air Force officially picks a winner, expected this fall.
Capital Hill – The Senate opened a formal investigation today into allegations of wrong doing by the Air Force’s Office of Scientific Investigation. Allegations surfaced of wrongdoing by both Lockheed-Martin and OSI program manager Oscar Goldman. Specifically, senate sources question whether Goldman and the Air Force were authorized to award the contract without competitive bidding. Also, there is strong suspicion Lockheed severely underbid the contract at only six-million dollars. Most experts put the real cost of equipping a human with cybernetic body parts closer to six billion dollars.
Neither Lockheed nor Mr. Goldman returned The Hill’s phone calls or e-mails.
Sources say the investigation is really in response to pressure from powerful appropriations committee member Senator Richard Shelby (R-AL). Alabama is slated to get a Boeing factory to build bionic body parts if Boeing wins the Bionic Initiative contract.
15 September, 2011, The O’Reilly Factor on Fox News
O’Reilly: “Its time for the Pinheads and Patriots segment on The Factor. Our Pinhead is Mr. Oscar Goldman, former head of the Pentagon’s Bionic Initiative, who resigned today in disgrace. He is accused of short-circuiting the Pentagon’s acquisition’s process in order to build the first so-called ‘Bionic Man’. What some called ‘The Six-Million Dollar Man’ is now costing upwards of six-billion dollars due to waste and fraud. For blowing it, Mr. Goldman is our Pinhead of the Week.
Our Patriot of the Week is Air Force Colonel Steve Austin, who was supposed to get the bionic surgery following a tragic accident. The Air Force announced they will be medically retiring Colonel Austin due to his injuries. Unfortunately, Colonel Austin will not be the first Bionic Man. Most experts agree it may be years before we see a cybernetic human being, as the contract process could drag on for years. Austin didn’t deserve this and has proven his dedication to our country as a decorated fighter pilot, test pilot, and astronaut. For his service and sacrifice for our country, we award Colonel Austin our Patriot of the Week Award.”
15 January 2012, Defense Weekly, p. 43.
PENTAGON – Today, the Air Force announced the winner of the Bionic Initiative. Lockheed will build and install the components for the first Bionic Man. The ten-billion dollar contract aims to fielding a prototype cyborg for operational testing by 2014.
Lockheed’s chief competitor, Boeing, has already filed a court challenge.
1 April 2012, London Times, p. 4A
WASHINGTON DC – The American Secretary of Defense stripped the Air Force of the controversial Bionic Initiative today and took direct control of the program. When asked during a press conference about the recent turn of events, President Obama stated the Air Force “acted stupidly” when they initially awarded a no-bid contract and subsequently bungled the re-bid.
Secretary of Defense Gates stated the competition will be restructured based on current military requirements and he will personally review the need for such systems, “The rest of the military is trending towards unmanned systems. I’m not convinced we need a ‘manned’ bionic man. I think we need to look hard at unmanned bionic man...system...whatever.” Gates indicated the requirements would be rewritten and the contract bid for the third time.
15 May 2016, The Wall Street Journal, p.7A
WASHINGTON DC - Today the Pentagon announced the winner of the controversial Bionic-X program, the successor to the cancelled Bionic Initiative. After half a decade, three re-bids, and several court challenges the Pentagon announced Boeing will build the first bionic man.
1 June 2016, Meet the Press
David Gregory: “Senator Shelby, you’ve been a strong critic of how the Bionic Initiative, now Bionic-X, has been handled from the beginning. Now that Boeing, a powerful economic force in your state, has won do you feel vindicated?
Sen. Shelby: “It has nothing to do with Boeing. It has everything to do with the best interests of the American people and the people of Alabama.
David Gregory: “Senator, with a deficit reaching levels for which we no longer have numbers able count that high, does America need, or can it afford, a Bionic Man?”
Sen. Shelby: “We can’t afford not to have a Bionic Man!”
David Gregory: “Are you referring to recent statements you’ve made concerning a Chinese Bionic Man initiative?”
Sen. Shelby: “I wish it were only a Bionic Man initiative. However, I’ve been briefed on key intelligence the Chinese are developing something much more disturbing...a bionic sasquatch.”
David Gregory: “Are you going on record stating the Chinese are developing a Bionic Bigfoot?”
Sen. Shelby: “Not only are they developing a Bionic Bigfoot, I want to go on record as stating America faces a grave “Sasquatch Gap” in our bionic capabilities.”
2 June, 2016, National Enquirer, p. 1
VINDICATED! Powerful US Senator Confirms Mechanical Bigfoot Roaming American Wilderness (also hints Gary Coleman NOT really dead!)
1 Oct 2018, Defense Weekly p. 33
AUSTIN, TX - Work on Boeing’s controversial Bionic-X program came to a sudden halt as congress seeks to enforce elements of the Berry Amendment. The Berry Amendment directs certain specialty metals and parts for defense purposes must be milled and produced in the United States.
DW has learned much of the technology for the B-X program comes from Chinese sources. Boeing released a press statement stating that in today’s global market its normal to acquire components from all over the world.
Senator Cornyn (R-TX) pushed the Pentagon to enforce the Berry Amendment, stating good paying American jobs will be shipped overseas. The B-X contract, currently 500 billion dollars over budget, is nearing prototype field testing. This drawback is the most recent in a string beleaguering the program. Even if the program is given another green light, a candidate hasn’t been selected for the surgery.
1 December 2018, The Wall Street Journal Online
DALLAS – In a single page press release, Boeing announced it will partner with Lockheed-Martin to mass produce bionic body parts for the Army. Lockheed-Martin will produce bionic gall bladders in a new plant yet to be built in Texas and provide 34,000 new jobs for Texas
Senator Cornyn (R-TX) hailed the move as “good for America and good for Texas.”
In a separate and unrelated announcement, elements of the Berry Amendment were waived for the B-X program.
15 July 2019, Boston Globe Online
WASHINGTON – As the B-X Program nears completion the search is on for a viable candidate for the surgery. Originally, the Pentagon wanted only test pilots, special forces soldiers, or Marines for the program. However, under intense pressure from Vice President Nancy Pelosi and Secretary of Defense Al Sharpton the Pentagon widened the field of prospective candidates.
“I think this is as much about diversity as it is military necessity,” Pelosi said today, “Most of America’s ‘firsts’ have be accomplished by white males. It’s time to spread the wealth around.”
Secretary Sharpton had these comments, “We’ve had ‘social justice’, and we’ve had ‘economic justice’...now its time for ‘bionic justice!’”
1 April 2021, New York Times Online
MARYLAND - Army Specialist Jamie Summers emerged from Bethesda Hospital today as the first Bionic Person, ten years to the day since the inception of the Bionic Initiative.
Specialist Summers was handpicked ahead of dozens of other candidates, some of which where soldiers and Marines who’ve lost body parts in combat in Afghanistan and Iraq, where America still wages combat against Al Qaeda and the Taliban. Former Navy and Air Force personnel were not considered since the Pentagon terminated both of those services three years ago due to budget cuts.
Summers is already known as a pioneer of sorts in the military. She was the first transgendered person to openly serve in the military after the controversial policy known as “Don’t Look, Don’t Stare, Don’t Ask, and Try Not to Think About It” was rescinded by President Madonna. Formally known as “James Summers” he served as a pre-operative Person of Dynamic Gender until he became the first soldier to undergo Pentagon provided sex change surgery and officially became “Jamie Summers.”

The Army Chief of Staff had this to say about the selection, “In the Army we celebrate our diversity, which is the core of our strength. This is another step in the fundamental transformation of the US Army.”
Specialist Summers, formally a motor pool technician who crossed-trained as a hair stylist technician, was picked over dozens of combat-tested personnel. An unnamed Army surgeon said, “Summers has a proven track record of successfully undergoing numerous and extensive surgeries. Ah...this is really a fairly minor procedure for her...him...it.”
When asked how she felt after the surgery, Summers simply responded, “Faaabulous!”
1 April 2022, London Times Online
FT. HOOD - Today the US Army formally cancelled the Bionic-X program after a year of extensive field tests at Fort Hood in Texas. The Army officially stated the program “didn’t meet minimum technical requirements or milestones and was significantly over budget and behind timeline.”
Over a decade ago the original ‘Bionic Initiative’ program called for a bionic eye, bionic ear, bionic arm and two bionic legs at a cost of six million dollars. Specialist Jamie Summers underwent surgery twelve months ago and was given a bionic eye, mechanical eyelashes, synthetic hair extensions, one bionic leg, three bionic fingernails, a bionic uterus, and a bionic wrist for a cost of 600 billion dollars.
Anonymous sources in the program admit the tests were a disaster.
“She actually ran slower than a normal human. In fact, I swear she ran in slow motion. And there was that crazy noise every time she used a bionic body part...it sounded like sheet metal shaking in the wind. ‘cha, cha, cha, cha...ching...ching...ching...ching.’ And that includes EVERY bionic part, including that creepy bionic female part. No one got any sleep, all night ‘cha, cha, cha, cha...ching...ching...ching...ching.’ Worst of all, those bionic fingernails kept breaking and when they did Jamie Summers cried and EVERYTHING stopped until we fixed them.”
28 July 2022 – The Drudge Report
BREAKING NEWS – Reports are filtering from Afghanistan of a major military defeat for US forces. Eyewitnesses report a giant bionic sasquatch attacked and destroyed several US armored personnel carriers. DEVELOPING....
23 October 2022, Entertainment Weekly, p.22
News and Notes: ABC announced a new reality series following the daily exploits of former Army Specialist Jamie Summers, a.k.a. ‘The Bionic Woman.’ The series will focus on Ms. Summers adventures as a single transgendered cyborg and interior designer in Manhattan. The series is tentatively called “The Bionic Bender” and will air Thursdays at 9pm eastern.
Jamie Summers publicists wouldn’t comment. However, the paparazzi recently spotted Summers in the arms of the Bionic Sasquatch in a fashionable Manhattan coffee shop.
26 December 2022 – The Denver Post, p. C28
COLORADO SPRINGS - In a sad note, Retired Air Force Colonel Steve Austin was found dead outside a charity mission in Colorado Springs. His wheelchair was frozen in a snow-bank. Around his neck was a sign “The Original Bionic Man. Will work for food. God Bless.”
A friend said Austin never recovered from the cancellation of the original Bionic Initiative program, but tried to get his life back on track. He was later dealt a series of blows from which he couldn’t recover. The Veterans Administration refused to pay the cost of his prosthetic limbs, glass eye and hearing aid. Then ObamaCare turned him down because Colonel Austin had ‘insufficient potential good life-years’ remaining and was not a good candidate for the expensive procedures.
Friends say the final blow came last week when his long time friend, Oscar Goldman, was raped and killed in federal prison. Goldman was found guilty for defrauding the government in 2013 as part of “Bionic-Gate” and sentenced to fifteen years.
This was fictional satire only. None of these events really happened, the news articles and quotes were all bogus.